Travelling long haul? This might help. . . . .

29 May 2016 5:00 PMMike Bennett
Travelling long haul? This might help. . . . .

As you may already know, we’re in the UK right now running some media training and relative responder courses for our loyal clients. To get here we had many choices of airlines but ended up going ‘the pretty way’ so we could take advantage of our ‘ready to expire’ frequent flyer miles.

3 flights, 36 hours from the Gold Coast to London and one thing all the airlines had in common was the total lack of enthusiasm in delivering the safety instructions and flight information. Let’s face it, they must be bored having to repeat the same things 150 times a month so, for the sake of some light relief, I thought we could offer some alternatives when it comes to the ‘buckle up, it’s going to be a long day’ type of announcements. . .

“Ladies and gentleman, welcome on board this ‘Air wego-again’ flight from Singapore to London Heathrow. Our flight time today will be 13 hours and 17 minutes unless we get a tail wind and head downhill for a while but, whatever happens, it will seem longer”.

There are 3 separate cabin areas on this aircraft:

First (otherwise known as  “ who do you think you are, Royalty? class")

Business (also known as “ more money than sense class")

Economy or (“should have studied harder at school class")

Passengers in First will be offered free tiara cleaning during todays flight and entertainment will be provided by Dame Helen Mirren who will personally re-enact her role of ‘The Queen’ for each one of you to make you and your butler feel at home during this flight.

Business class guests will have their shoes licked clean by Albanian goats while enjoying a live performance of Les Miserables (also known as ‘The Glums’) and Hugh Jackman will include a 2 hour tribute to Peter Allan

Economy passengers will enjoy our feature movie ‘snakes on a plane’ followed by the entire first series of Lost!

Those of you in “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” class we’ll be offering cream of swan consommé, freshly plucked pheasant, and a selection of native deserts sourced from the amazon rain forest served by the Royal Scots Dragoon guards.

If you’re seated in “we had to spend it before the end of the financial year class” you’ll be invited to select your own live lobster from the tanks above your heads accompanied by a medley of organically grown, pesticide free, low GI, steamed and individually carved into the shape of characters from the lord of the rings, small but perfectly formed honey and harissa kataifi-wrapped aubergines. This will be served by that bloke with the beard from Masterchef.

Passengers in “Cattle class” will be served a 3 course feast comprising of one bag of Twisties per row(original flavour, not those chicken ones!) a main course featuring chicken nuggets accompanied by Aldi oven chips and a choice of coconut or double chocolate Tim Tams for desert.

Finally, as your safety is our number one priority, passengers in “You can look but don’t touch class” will have the safety card read to them in the form of interpretive dance and mime by the entire London cast of the 1996 Royal variety performance.

A flash mob choir will sing the safety card to passengers seated in “I’ve used up all my frequent flyer points to sit here class” and for those in the “ you should have read the trip advisor reviews before buying your ticket class” our chief stewardess Kylie will draw you some pictures.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure guests in the “You could have bought an apartment in Sydney for the price of this ticket class” will be saved by the release of 250,000 dragonflies who’s wings will beat at a consistent rate to ensure maximum oxygen circulation.

Passengers in “ I can claim this back on my tax class” will be joined by politicians and candidates for the upcoming Australian elections therefore guaranteeing enough hot air to go round and for our “Bogan class” guests masks will drop down from the overhead compartments for just $25 per person, all major credit cards accepted.

Please fit your own mask before helping others and certainly ahead of the extremely large teenager on seat 46A who would use up most of the available air own his own. Can we suggest the word ‘salad’ is introduced into his vocabulary?

“Thankyou for flying ‘Air wego –again’ and we look forward to patronising you again soon”

Now you come to think about it, I reckon we've been on too many flights. . . . . . .